The Truth about Goats
Although many in the state of Louisiana are struggling to come to terms with another cinema massacre, scientists for the National Rifle Association have at last discovered a clear correlation between popcorn and bullet related deaths. Too often has the gun control lobby besmirched US gun owners; while it is now apparent that the true triggers for violence are over-priced hotdogs, trailers starring Adam Sandler and ‘people wearing hats right in front of you’.
An NRA spokesman said: ‘Following on from the Aurora (Colorado) killings, we can see a pattern emerging between bullets ripping through organs and someone annoyingly unwrapping boiled sweets. Seriously, who takes boiled sweets to the cinema? I’m surprised the body count was so low. And don’t get me started on how poor the films were. ‘Batman’ was two-and-a-half-hours of turgid nonsense and with ‘Trainwreck’ all the best bits were in the trailer – no wonder people go postal’,
In a week where President Obama admitted his greatest regret was not tackling the spread of gun crime, many film critics have said his greatest failure was not tackling the spread of Hayden Christensen. The NRA spokesman added: ‘In Colorado the week after the James Holmes killed 12 and injured 70, gun sales rose by 43%. Clearly the US public understands that it was not guns that were to blame – responsibility lies with excessively long lines at the concession stand and people who use their mobile phones when the movie has started.’
Subsequently the NRA are proposing some clear restrictions on film watching and ice-cream consumption. All those who buy tickets to any movie starring Eddie Murphy will be subject to background and mental health checks. Anyone laughing at the unfunny commercials to impress their friends, will be evicted from the cinema. While people who allow their children to run up and down the aisle will be ‘humanely shot’.