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Salmond: ‘Second Bannockburn inevitable’

In his usual measured, non-inflammatory manner the ex-leader of the Scottish National Party has insisted he will soon retake Stirling Castle and shove a red hot poker ‘up the arse’ of David Cameron. While Mr. Salmond refused to put an immediate timescale on the medieval siege, this does follows on from a series of other unreasonable diva demands; including scented rose-petal candles, his own parliamentary trailer and ‘unicorn pony’.

All that will be left afterwards

All that will be left afterwards

Since his failed Independence referendum, Mr. Salmond has become increasingly withdrawn – often caught murmuring about unleashing 10,000 axe-wielding Highlanders. Unable to accept the 55% to 45% result, Mr. Salmond has said a fairer system of proportional representation would be determined by a blood bathe of ‘kilts and effete Sassenachs’.
Half a year has passed since Mr. Salmond assured voters that no further referendums would occur for a ‘generation’; but only if that generation had the lifespan of a mayfly. A spokesmen for Mr. Salmond rejected the premise that he was ignoring democracy: ‘A lot has changed since September 2015 – hemlines, twitter feeds, the name of the month – you name it. You can’t expect the Scottish people to respect the will of the Scottish people, particularly if six months have elapsed or if the day ends in a ‘Y’
Dressed as the lovechild of Robert the Bruce and Wee Jimmy Krankie, Mr. Salmond renewed his commitment to a new referendum by imbedding a Lochaber Axe in the head of George Osborne. His spokesman said: ‘The previous referendum was clearly just a trial-run. The next one, will be the real thing – with voters motivated by the threat of Tory austerity and our claymores. And unlike the original Bannockburn, we’re fairly confident that the SNP will outnumber the Scottish Conservatives.’


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This entry was posted on August 4, 2015 by in UK Politics and tagged , , , .

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