The Truth about Goats
In his usual measured, non-inflammatory manner the ex-leader of the Scottish National Party has insisted he will soon retake Stirling Castle and shove a red hot poker ‘up the arse’ of David Cameron. While Mr. Salmond refused to put an immediate timescale on the medieval siege, this does follows on from a series of other unreasonable diva demands; including scented rose-petal candles, his own parliamentary trailer and ‘unicorn pony’.
Since his failed Independence referendum, Mr. Salmond has become increasingly withdrawn – often caught murmuring about unleashing 10,000 axe-wielding Highlanders. Unable to accept the 55% to 45% result, Mr. Salmond has said a fairer system of proportional representation would be determined by a blood bathe of ‘kilts and effete Sassenachs’.
Half a year has passed since Mr. Salmond assured voters that no further referendums would occur for a ‘generation’; but only if that generation had the lifespan of a mayfly. A spokesmen for Mr. Salmond rejected the premise that he was ignoring democracy: ‘A lot has changed since September 2015 – hemlines, twitter feeds, the name of the month – you name it. You can’t expect the Scottish people to respect the will of the Scottish people, particularly if six months have elapsed or if the day ends in a ‘Y’
Dressed as the lovechild of Robert the Bruce and Wee Jimmy Krankie, Mr. Salmond renewed his commitment to a new referendum by imbedding a Lochaber Axe in the head of George Osborne. His spokesman said: ‘The previous referendum was clearly just a trial-run. The next one, will be the real thing – with voters motivated by the threat of Tory austerity and our claymores. And unlike the original Bannockburn, we’re fairly confident that the SNP will outnumber the Scottish Conservatives.’