The Truth about Goats
Having been criticised with their indiscriminate bombing of Kurdish forces, the Turkish military is to redirect their efforts against IS with a ‘devastatingly unpleasant’ all-you-can-eat offer. Assisted by the US, the original buffer of air strikes will be substituted with a plethora of brown food, excruciating stomach pains, followed by inevitable diarrhoea.
Transforming northern Syria into a ‘buffet zone’ will allow Turkey to dispose of stockpiles of stodgy ‘re-heated’ puddings and a range of high-fat cheeses with crackers. One Turkish pilot explained: ‘Even religious fundamentalists can not resist the lure of chips and creamy dips. Once we’ve snared IS with our discounted garlic bread, then we’ll hit them with the bill!’
Codename ‘Gordon Ramsay’s Jihadist Nightmare’, the military campaign will split between three clear phases – infiltration, invasion and digestif. In recent years over 40,000 Kurdish PKK insurgents have been killed by Turkey, using a range of high-calibre/calorie fried wings, processed meats and candied nuts. While no actual turkey appears on the menu, NATO has threatened to use the ultimate deterrent – Quorn substitute.
Some pacifists and dieters have expressed concern that UN weapons and health inspectors have been refused access to this open-air restaurant. Reports suggest that the Turkish military have been multitasking without washing their hand; while ramming tables together have made it difficult to distinguish IS from the Kurdish People’s Protection Units. Although one pilot said: ‘Unlike previous Middle East campaigns, this buffet has a clear exit strategy – which is hitting your toilet bowl at velocity’.