The Truth about Goats
In response to customer feedback, the much vaunted launch of Windows 10 is going to be superseded with an operating platform that is reliable, easy to navigate and can play ‘Chuckie Egg’. Rather than go from Windows 8 to 9, Microsoft has decided to skip to the next generation of intelligent design, incorporate 8-bit high resolution monochrome text and a screensaver of Alan Sugar’s ‘big beardy face’.
The Amstrad CPC will offer a range of features unavailable on Windows; such as garish keys, a redundant cassette player and the complete ‘Dizzy’s Excellent Adventures’. Fans of minimalism can also revel in the fact the new CPC packaging proclaims: ‘This comes with two wires to the monitor and just one f@@king plug!’ One Microsoft executive admitted: ‘We’ve given up trying to compete with Apple, but we reckon we can give the Commodore 64 a run for its money’.
The Amstrad’s internet browser will involve shouting out of your bedroom window at passing strangers, in the hope they know what you are looking for. There are some other significant advances, as one excited programmer explained: ‘We will have an inbuilt pornography filter; in that our floppy discs will only hold 800kb – which completely rules out storing any images. Also the ‘blue screen of death’ will be a thing of the past, as the CPC will only come with a green monitor’.
Many PC owners who were left frustrated or confused with elements of Windows 8, will no longer have to worry about multiple desktops, as the CPC barely has one. One PC owner admitted: ‘Anyone who has struggled to find formatting settings on ‘Microsoft Office’, will go misty eyed over the simplicity of ‘Locoscript’. And who wants to waste time on ‘Call of Duty’ when you can have ‘Geoff Capes Strongman’?’