The Truth about Goats
In the wake of a second swimmer this month having to strike a shark, evidence is emerging that large fish with cartilaginous skeletons may be getting a taste for ‘Aussie slap and tickle’. Scientists fear that sharks may have evolved a Masochism Disorder, becoming sexually desensitized by simulated pain, humiliation and re-runs of ‘Sharknado’.
One attack survivor said: ‘At first we thought the shark was trying to eat us, but then we noticed it was dressed in full fetish gear. He kept winking with his dead lifeless eyes. And he had a note strapped to his pectoral fin saying his safe word was ‘Flipper’.’ Not content with self-administered spanking, many sharks are now seeking ‘cooler’ waters for surfers willing to euphemistically ‘bash them with their body boards’.
Ironically many bathers have been indulging shark fetishes, by unknowingly urinating or defecating upon them. One marine biologist explained: ‘We have reports of sharks attempting asphyxiophilia by leaping out the water or provoking schools of tuna fish to hit them with whips. There is nothing more unsettling than the sight of a Great White in bondage leathers with a strap on dolphin.’
Some sharks are capable of detecting as little as one part per million of blood in seawater, which makes them hypersensitive to any ‘kinky underwater doings’. Lifeguards have warned the public – specifically Members of the House of Commons or Lords – that they should avoid going near the water’s edge, for fear of setting off an S&M feeding frenzy. Signs have been put on beaches declaring that: ‘All punching must be consensual. No time-wasters, manatees or weirdos humming John Williams’.