The Truth about Goats
Ruthless burglars may have employed F1 stories and Eddie Jordan quips to reduce Mr & Mrs Button to catatonia. Police confirm that the couple were discovered in a drowsy state and a rictus ‘Suzi Perry grin’, having recovered from a David Coulthard monologue on the merits of an early pit stop.
A French police officer said that criminals are frequently using mind-numbing sporting events to subdue their victims; including some Test matches, most analysis of American football and any Tennis rally in the last hundred years. However, the officer was nonplussed about motive: ‘These thieves stole £300,000 of racing memorabilia – when they could have just bought some sleeping pills.’
Unfairly motor racing has often be labelled as duller than Roy Hodgson ‘talking dirty’. In 2014 Lewis Hamilton was crowned BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year, winning ahead of a box of shredded wheat and the abstract concept of ‘paint drying’. Leaving many to claim that F1 has all the adrenaline of a doctor’s waiting room.
Racing now ranks alongside Gwyneth Paltrow’s diet tips, as the nation’s favourite insomnia remedy. One close friend said: ‘Listening to Jensen talk about winning with McLaren, is as boring as watching him do his tax returns. Which is ironic, given that thanks to his Monaco address I doubt he’ll ever do either again’