The Truth about Goats
In what has being described as the biggest business take-over of ‘letters representing phonemes’, Google is set to acquire ownership of three thousand years of written civilization. Any language based on the Classical Latin model will come under Google’s copyright, forcing many to use alternate forms of communication – such as crude hieroglyphs, grunting noises and ‘thumping the floor with your foot’.
Since rebranding themselves as Alphabet Inc., the technology giant will be able to charge a ‘user-fee’ to anyone employing letters ‘A’ through to ‘Z’. In fact, some spoken complaints from the public will be subject to a fee; as one Google executive explained: ‘You can’t see why? Well that sentence alone will cost you $3 – we own ‘U’ ‘C’ and ‘Y’.’
One economist offered some context: ‘Don’t panic, this is nothing new. In the late 80’s Donald Trump got a monopoly on all pictograms of a horse’s arse and yet, today, we have no problem describing him with other words. For instance, Chinese script is not covered by Google’s buy-out; so it should only take a couple days for everyone to master the Pinyin system’.
For those who can not afford the new costs, there will still be ‘free’ online cave- painting – although these will come with ‘pop-up ads’. A Google spokeswoman said: ‘Consumers on a budget are encouraged to make use cheap communication from the animal kingdom. You can easily get by on releasing pheromones, rubbing noses or elaborate dances to tell your friends where the nectar is’.