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José Mourinho in favour of NHS waiting lists

Under-funded hospitals are normally a concern, but the Chelsea and Westminster has received a surprise endorsement from one specific Portuguese health tourist. Far from wanting his players to be treated swiftly in an Accident and Emergency, Mr. Mourinho is said to support more traditional first aid – such as ‘magic spray’ or having your Mum ‘rub it better’.

Wait to be seen

Wait to be seen

While patients at Belfast’s Musgrave Park Hospital experience a 75% rise in waiting for appointments, anyone playing for Chelsea’s midfield has unfortunately found themselves fast-tracked. In response, Mr. Mourinho has banned medic Dr Eva Carneiro from his bench; instructing injured players to opt for long periods of convalescence, sometime ‘after’ they have retired from professional football.
Speaking at a news conference a spokesmen for Mr. Mourinho said: ‘From our perspective, wounds are best left to heal naturally. There’s nothing a bit of time, fresh air or a herbal poultice won’t cure. Modern players are mollycoddled; whereas John Terry fractured both legs three seasons ago and has been able to just run it off’.
Medical attention at Chelsea FC has now joined a list of things worth waiting for – including Kate Bush concerts, the Second Coming and downloads of Windows 10. The Mourinho model of delay will be rolled out to all NHS Trusts, with Ambulances encouraged to circle the block until either the patient recovers or a penalty shoot out occurs.


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This entry was posted on August 26, 2015 by in UK Health and tagged , , , .

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