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The Truth about Goats

‘Manspread’ to replace butter


The online Oxford dictionary has added the act of ‘manspreading’ as a low-fat alternative to ‘moisturizing your toast’. This somewhat unconventional spread involves rubbing cooked vegetables on the inner thighs of a hirsute man; this condiment then releases water-in-fat emulsion combined with the heady aroma of a festering jock-strap.

Just put your toast down your shorts

Just put your toast down your shorts

The origins of manspread date back to the Napoleonic era, when aroused Frenchmen would regularly ferment cream in the folds of their ‘nether region’. Subsequently this butter-substitute has proved very popular among dieters, who claim that calorie intake is significantly reduced when food is smeared in unappetizing man-juice.

One food critic commented: ‘A cottage industry has sprung up; where you will regularly see men on their daily commute, legs spread apart, churning their own milk. This is a non-diary spread, which ironically has also led to a lot more cottaging’. Although some have complained that on public transport the spread encroaches on other seats, leaving a sticky residue.

An enthusiastic manufacturer said: ‘The original recipe involved beef-cake tallow and skimpy shorts, with a by-product of pork scratchings. As yet we have not been able to offer a non-salted version, but we do have is an almost unlimited supply of man-dripping, particularly on hot days’.

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This entry was posted on September 10, 2015 by in UK News and tagged , , , , , .

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