The Truth about Goats
The online Oxford dictionary has added the act of ‘manspreading’ as a low-fat alternative to ‘moisturizing your toast’. This somewhat unconventional spread involves rubbing cooked vegetables on the inner thighs of a hirsute man; this condiment then releases water-in-fat emulsion combined with the heady aroma of a festering jock-strap.
The origins of manspread date back to the Napoleonic era, when aroused Frenchmen would regularly ferment cream in the folds of their ‘nether region’. Subsequently this butter-substitute has proved very popular among dieters, who claim that calorie intake is significantly reduced when food is smeared in unappetizing man-juice.
One food critic commented: ‘A cottage industry has sprung up; where you will regularly see men on their daily commute, legs spread apart, churning their own milk. This is a non-diary spread, which ironically has also led to a lot more cottaging’. Although some have complained that on public transport the spread encroaches on other seats, leaving a sticky residue.
An enthusiastic manufacturer said: ‘The original recipe involved beef-cake tallow and skimpy shorts, with a by-product of pork scratchings. As yet we have not been able to offer a non-salted version, but we do have is an almost unlimited supply of man-dripping, particularly on hot days’.