The Truth about Goats
Much to the delight of San Marino fans, Wayne Rooney put on a vintage display of ball skills and ‘comb-overs’ during their Euro 2016 qualifier. The England captain has now matched Sir Bobby Charlton’s distinguished career of covering up baldness, with a ‘head merkin that defies belief’.
Waving to the crowd, Rooney smeared a range of salon products over his ‘shredded-wheat forest’, until it resembled something found down a plughole. Although many footballers have offered glimmers of dome brilliance, only Rooney has maintained a consistent level of gossamer concealment. However a strong breeze forced his peach fuzz to be substituted in the second half, for Harry Kane’s more resilient quiff.
Despite this, Roy Hodgson was critical of the performance of Swansea midfielder Jonjo Shelvey, who ignored team orders by turning up with a ‘shaved noggin’. An FA spokesman said: ‘A bald pate is no excuse not to don a ridiculous wig. A cultured long passing game is all very well, but fans want to see a mullet, a Jason Lee pineapple or a Keegan perm’.
There have been concerns that the domestic game is still lacking behind their continental rivals, with their bright blond mohicans and fluorescent pigtails. This perception has not been helped by England’s ‘close shave’ with a Brazilian at the last World Cup. However, with three games to spare since qualifying, Hodgson has time to experiment with a variety of formations – from a Psychobilly Wedge to the full ‘Donald Trump’.