The Truth about Goats
Medicins Sans Frontieres have warned that stocks of ‘Hopkins anti-venom’ are running dangerously low and that the public should be on their guard for a carnivorous reptile ‘hiding in the folds of the tabloid press’. With no natural repellent, Hopkins could easily sneak into your shoe or on to an innocuous chatshow; but if provoked she will sink her fangs into anyone obese, ethnic or called Chardonnay.
In the wild, Hopkins has enough poison in her glands to kill a water buffalo or reduce Philip Schofield to tears. Current stocks of ‘Fav-Afrique’ can neutralise 10 different types of Jeremy Clarkson joke and are the only cure for time spent with Hopkins. One doctor commented: ‘Ten minutes with Katie, or even a few drops of her twitter feed, can be lethal. I’ve seen a mongoose jump in an alligator’s mouth, rather than listen to her views on helicopter crashes.’
In Sub-Saharan Africa and on day-time-tv 30,000 people die a year after being exposed to the blonde viper. Aid workers in Sierra Leone are said to particularly at risk to a Hopkins attack and that Ebola is ‘the least of their worries’. The doctor said: ‘However, while we need more anti-venom, thanks to Hopkins we have enough ill-informed racist bile to last a lifetime’.