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Sperm Bank ‘crash’ more of a squelch

On what financial analysts are calling ‘White Tuesday’, the UK national sperm bank was forced to admit to a massive loss of savings and that the content of their vault was little more than ‘a sticky puddle’. With scenes reminiscent of Wall Street .29, queues of fertile women demanded their share of the only male asset ‘worth having’ and resorted to sitting under ATMs in the hope of being pollinated.


With just nine registered donors, the Birmingham branch is set to be besieged by panic buyers armed with buckets and industrial milking equipment. One financial analyst explained: ‘A lack of the runny stuff may lead to a run on the bank. It’s happened before. RBS exploded in Alistair Darlings face like Ron Jeremy. While Northern Rock was more flaccid than tumescent’.

The Bank of England has said it may need to release some it’s Central Reserves, currently held in Russell Brand’s left testicle. Although, normally Mr. Brand’s aching scrotum is only quantitatively eased by adjusting his skinny jeans. However, many have said it would make a welcome change for the UK’s financial sector to be dishing out sperm rather than just ‘taking the piss’.

One staff member admitted: ‘While none of our male customers confessed to ever having withdrawn, very few could attest to having made anything other than a modest deposit. And as a saving scheme goes, customers rarely get a return on their investment – other than agonizing pain in the vaginal area nine months later.

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This entry was posted on September 29, 2015 by in UK Health and tagged , , , , .

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