The BBC will no longer depend on the Met Office for its weather reports and will now use more reliable methods, such as ‘chicken entrails’. Instead of some expensive guff about Nimbostratus clouds, future forecasts will be determined by a soothsayer, garbed in a ‘fetching’ woolly jumper and armed with a pair of binoculars.
Having provided weather data to the BBC since 1922, the Met Office will now be forced to sell predictions on street corners alongside purveyors of ‘lucky lavender’. A BBC representative said: ‘We want value for money for the license payer. Often the weather report can be cheaply replaced by just looking out your window. Red sky at night? Are you sure its not morning?’
A spokeswoman for the Met Office spoke of her disappointment: ‘We’d recently invested in a state of the art Groundhog. We’ve revolutionized the science of prediction with ‘wet head, must be raining’. Or, ‘sunshine on a Monday, time to pull a sickey’. And who can forget – ‘when Labour elects a socialist, a sh@tstorm will follow’.’
The BBC assured viewers they would continue with the highest standard of weather service by focusing on unusual squirrel activity. A spokesman said: ‘We’ll be replacing the usual idiot gesticulating in front of a green screen, with a curmudgeonly sailor talking about a twitch in his gammy knee. The one thing we can predict is no matter what the weather, people will still complain.’