The Truth about Goats
This year’s Conservative Party conference has been replaced with a career’s day for elderly Tory hopefuls, with one eye on a retiring David Cameron. Despite the Prime Minister having several years of his tenancy left, an unsightly gaggle of MPs bundled the lectern to proclaim their commitment to ending tax credits, foxes and any remaining obstacles to the ‘era of Beelzebub’.
Various X-factor hopefuls took to the stage with their prepared monologues and songs about the ‘perils of Jeremy Corbyn’. G eorge Osborne wowed the party faithful with a rendition of the ‘boy stood on burning deck’ – a veiled reference to his economic legacy. While Teresa May kept repeating ‘migrants’ three times and clicking her heels together; in the vain hope of returning to Kansas or at least somewhere with a similar Republican majority.
One career’s advisor gave some interview tips: ‘Candidates should dress smartly and if you’re Boris Johnson do something about that gonk hair-do. Try to avoid speaking negatively about a past co-worker, even if it is Liam Fox. Prepare some answers in advance, particularly on why poor people are the root cause of all our problems. And finally update your resume, to ignore any reference to the fact your share portfolio expanded during the last financial crisis or privatization’.
As David Cameron begins to draw from, what Tory think-tanks promise to be, Britain’s last remaining pension scheme – many on the front bench hope to be his successor. One Minister said: ‘Obviously Dave is a hard act to follow. It’s not easy to smile into a camera while withdrawing disability benefits. It’s like maintaining an erection while looking into the lifeless eyes of a stuffed pig – or Jeremy Hunt as he is known’.