The Truth about Goats
While a US federal judge has ruled that the public no longer have to pay royalties to celebrate a birth, George Osborne is still insistent that coffin-dodgers of all ages ‘cough up’ to the Exchequer before they choke for the Reaper. Alongside this never-ending tax burden, the Chancellor confirmed that anyone thinking of aging needs to ‘stump up’ an annual 5% in loss of hair follicles, libido and bladder control.
Since the Magna Carta, ordinary citizens have been required to give tithe for the privilege of drawing breath; or at least until a Knight’s broadsword, malnutrition or a bacterial infection interrupted things. A spokesman for the Government said: ‘Everyone has to pay for the life we lead; be it buying a nuclear power station to take back to Beijing or sticking your penis in a dead pig’s mouth. Nothing is for free. Although, I doubt that pig saw any of the cash he was promised’.
The spokesmen explained: ‘Obviously some sneaky Syrian refugees have been shirking their financial burden by drowning. But we’re aware of this kind of tax avoidance; and once their floating remains reach our shores we’ll be invoicing their nearest and dearest with our condolences and a breakdown of the costs’.
Meanwhile musical expressions of health and well-being, such as whistling a happy tune, will remain subject to taxation. As one voter complained: ‘As if aging wasn’t bad enough – with my medicine cabinet fit to bust and being stalked by pallbearers – I keep haemorrhaging money as my health deteriorates. I now know how it feels to be Addenbrooke’s Hospital’.