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Child abuse evidence is prone to combustion

Investigating officers have discovered a direct link between accusations of historical abuse and the occurrence of witness testimony magically disappearing into a puff of smoke. This comes in the week that the very same Abuse Inquiry ‘accidentally’ deleted a month’s worth of statements, while simultaneously transforming incriminating photos into ‘a bunch of flowers’.



A spokesman for the Metropolitan police said: ‘There is nothing suspicious in the fact that countless witnesses, their evidence and crime scenes have been burnt to a cinder. We’re talking about a simple chemical reaction caused by exothermic internal reactions and a series of threatening phone-calls from ex-MPs’.

Meanwhile the Deputy Leader of the Labour Party, Tom Watson, has been forced to defend his accusations of an establishment cover-up; made trickier by the fact any evidence he needed has already been ‘mislaid’. At the same time, victims continue to receive death threats and pamphlets on the ‘merits’ of spontaneous human combustion.

The police spokesman explained: ‘Historical accusations tend to attract a lot of dust, which is highly flammable. They also tend to get coated in chip fat for good measure. Only a cynic would see a conspiracy in the destruction of evidence, the constant Inquiry delays and this receipt for three barrels of kerosene. Some might say there is no smoke without fire, but we prefer to say there is no investigation without a substantial blaze.’


‘Oh, and don’t forget the Metropolitan charity fundraiser on Nov 5th – it’s going to be one hell of a bonfire.’

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This entry was posted on October 20, 2015 by in UK Crime and tagged , , , , .

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