The Truth about Goats
In an attempt to increase aviation capacity while avoiding flightpaths near Tory homeowners, the UK Government has constructed an extra runway orbiting the star known as KIC 8462852. So voracious had been Londoner’s objections that they had insisted that noise pollution would only be tolerable at a distance of 454 parsecs from Earth, or ‘somewhere up north where people vote Labour’.
Being 1,480 light years from the main terminus, baggage-handlers have already raised concerns about round trips to the constellation Cygnus. However a spokesman for London’s Mayor, Boris Johnson, explained: ‘This development will generate £211bn in economic benefits for the UK and 180,000 jobs – although most of those will go to a race of tripeds from the plant Zarg-7, near Ursa Minor’.
Meanwhile NIMBYs (‘Not In My Back Yard’) continue to put pressure on the Government to put other unsightly sights into deep space; including the HS2 rail-link, George Osborne’s smirk and photos of David Cameron at university. One NIMBY commented: ‘If only space wasn’t a vacuum, otherwise we could also get rid of all these wind turbines’.
The new runway will ‘blend in’ with the surrounding area but still retain the characteristics of Heathrow, by being devoid of any intelligent life. Scientists analysing data from Kepler Space Telescope have confirmed that no alien civilization would build such a carbuncle: ‘This is just an unsightly lump orbiting a dying star – it’s like watching Amy Schumer hanging out with J-Law’.