The Truth about Goats
Bowed by public pressure and surrounded by bodyguards a Mr. Gary Stevens, of West Norwood, has revealed that he is to blame for Adele’s plaintive wailing and multi-million pound angst. His ill-fated romance with the singer in 2005 forced him to him to become a fugitive, concealing from friends and family that he was the muse behind such Adele classics as ‘Someone Like You’, ‘I hope your kn@b rots off’ and the melodic ‘Die, you cheating bastard, die’.
A contrite Mr Stevens recalled their doomed relationship: ‘We only went on one date to the cinema. It was all going fine, until I reached over to take some of Adele’s popcorn. She just went ape-sh@t. Shouting and swearing. Threatening to release a series of Grammy Award winning break-up notes. I didn’t know what to do. She’d ruined ‘Revenge of the Sith’, spilt my extra-large Fanta and refused to go to second base. I just walked away’.
Asked if he regretted inspiring platinum selling albums, Mr. Stevens shrugged: ‘It happens. Twenty years earlier I was living in Edinburgh and this out of work teacher got obsessed with me. I told her I was way too young for her and if she liked young boys so much, she should write a book about it. She got angry and started saying I was the ‘chosen one’. I was ‘magic’. I would ‘defeat the Dark Lord’ (– I didn’t understand that bit). The next thing I know it’s an eight film franchise and my little wand is on display for everyone to see!’
Adele has always been reticent in public when it comes to discussing her break-ups but admitted that her happier lifestyle has prevented her channelling angst into her songs. Her agent explained: ‘Mr. Stevens paucity as a boyfriend was good for two albums but more recently Adele has had to simulate her inner pain in artificial ways; such as root canal without an anaesthetic, watching England play rugby or by listening to Sam Smith’s insipid Bond theme’.