The Truth about Goats
Thanks to their detailed research, the British press have discovered that pacifism and support for the rule of law are all proof positive of terrorist sympathies. Clear guidelines have now been published advising anyone attempting to enter into a ‘namby pamby’ discussion on this issue, that they should get a haircut, eat more red meat and ‘buy shares in Trident’.
A government spokesman said: ‘We’ve been accused of knee-jerk reactions or tub-thumping, but I can assure you it is physically impossible to do both at the same time. Words like Somme, Suez, WMD – they all show how Britain has never put a foot wrong when it comes to Foreign Policy. Anyway, you’ll be much safer once we can spy on, incarcerate and shoot you without judicial process.’
Meanwhile the righteous House of Commons prepares to debate the further bombing of Syria, untroubled by the knowledge of who is even on our side. A Foreign Office spokesman said: ‘At a time when Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Iran, Russia, France and the US are all attacking completely separate groups within the civil war – it is clear that anyone voicing reservations is a coward. And by coward we mean Jeremy Corbyn. The guy has a beard and refuses to kiss the Queen on the lips, for goodness sake’.
One security expert, having spent ten minutes on Wikipedia, explained: ‘Over 250,000 people have died in the Syrian conflict but the important thing to remember is – we don’t know who they were. Or care for that matter. There are two clear threats to our security. Extremists with guns. And extremists without guns. The only answer is more moderates…with guns. To not want more guns is extremist and plays right into the hands of other extremists. Who have guns – in their hands.’
One journalist offered his nuanced view: ‘If you just quote from the first part of any Corbyn sentence or rearrange the letters – he sounds like traitor. Who cares what the rest of the speech about? Blah, blah, blah – justice, human rights, chick peas – it’s a white flag of surrender, if you ask me. I bet it’s boring. Like a history lecture. And nobody ever learnt anything from history’.