Flibbertigibbet News

The Truth about Goats

World’s second-largest diamond found inside Theresa May’s anus


With the threat of terrorism and the Tory leadership slipping from her grasp – the rectal area of the Home Secretary is now the perfect geological location for the environmental conditions needed for creating diamonds.  Considered to be the most ‘uptight’ place on Earth, the lower bowel of Mrs May can assert more pressure than Roy Hodgson feels when seeing a Spanish team sheet.

Still smells a bit

Still smells a bit

‘Lucara Diamond Mining’ claims to have removed a 1,111 carat stone from the Home Secretary, along with three pairs of ‘leopard-print kitten heels’.  This follows previous attempts to explore the lucrative ‘George Osborne money-pit’; only to discover that he had long been stripped of all his assets.  Such exploration is not without risk, as in 2010 thirty-three Chilean miners were left trapped inside Mrs May for over two months.

One gemologist explained: ‘Lab grown diamonds require intense pressure or toxicity, both of which are found in abundance inside Mrs May.  This diamond shares many of her own qualities – hardness, transparency and a purity unsullied by immigrant chemicals.  And what bride-to-be wouldn’t want a festering lump of May excretion festooning her engagement finger?’

How long it takes Mrs May to create a new gem is unclear, but there are tell-tale signs – such as puckered lips, refugee rhetoric and any interaction with the Police Federation.  Sadly if you take the Conservative manifesto and bury it for several thousand years you will still be left with a lump of coal.

Advertisements

2 comments on “World’s second-largest diamond found inside Theresa May’s anus

  1. Linda Holtby
    December 2, 2015

    Great headline, but the pic really doesn’t work.

    The rock should be fist sized, or at least a tad eye-watering.

    This one is a crop of a marketing shot for one sold at Sotherbys (probably to someone who could *afford* a Defence budget)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Information

This entry was posted on December 2, 2015 by in UK Environment and tagged , , , , , .

Prize Winners

Our readers described Flibbertigibbet News as ..."only slightly less accurate than the Daily Mail"(Dizzychick84) ..."clearly under-appreciated" (Sean Smithson)..."Half man, half goat. All Comedy"(JizzOSmith)..."the best reason for smirking at work" (DavidHollands) and ..."clearly an elaborate internet phishing scam!"(XangChek12)

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive FREE notifications of new posts by email.

Join 545 other followers

Blog Stats

  • 34,450 fumbles

Follow Wrenfoe on Twitter

By

Award Winning

Reader Review

"It takes a sick and yet highly evolved mind to fully grasp the sophistication of your humor. I tried to explain this to my wife, who thought I was having convulsions as I lay on the floor laughing." (Mike Lince)

Flib Zealots

Reformation (play script)

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2014

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2013

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2015

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2016

%d bloggers like this: