The Truth about Goats
With the threat of terrorism and the Tory leadership slipping from her grasp – the rectal area of the Home Secretary is now the perfect geological location for the environmental conditions needed for creating diamonds. Considered to be the most ‘uptight’ place on Earth, the lower bowel of Mrs May can assert more pressure than Roy Hodgson feels when seeing a Spanish team sheet.
‘Lucara Diamond Mining’ claims to have removed a 1,111 carat stone from the Home Secretary, along with three pairs of ‘leopard-print kitten heels’. This follows previous attempts to explore the lucrative ‘George Osborne money-pit’; only to discover that he had long been stripped of all his assets. Such exploration is not without risk, as in 2010 thirty-three Chilean miners were left trapped inside Mrs May for over two months.
One gemologist explained: ‘Lab grown diamonds require intense pressure or toxicity, both of which are found in abundance inside Mrs May. This diamond shares many of her own qualities – hardness, transparency and a purity unsullied by immigrant chemicals. And what bride-to-be wouldn’t want a festering lump of May excretion festooning her engagement finger?’
How long it takes Mrs May to create a new gem is unclear, but there are tell-tale signs – such as puckered lips, refugee rhetoric and any interaction with the Police Federation. Sadly if you take the Conservative manifesto and bury it for several thousand years you will still be left with a lump of coal.