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Davis Cup victory inspires the UK to rebuild its Empire


Buoyed on a wave of nationalistic pride and sporting disbelief, the Lawn and Tennis Association (LTA) has set out a series of measures to re-establish the UK’s imperial might and grass-court dominance.  Following on from their first Davis Cup win in seventy nine years, the LTA will demand secession from the UN, a return to the Raj and the ‘head of Novak Djokovic’.

All this will be pink again

All this will be pink again

Turning back the clock to 1936, the LTA has claimed it will ‘crush the subcontinent’ with Andy Murray’s powerful forehand.  An LTA spokeswoman said: ‘We want a return to when Britain was Great or at the very least Mildly Impressive.  A time when the sun never set on the Empire and when you could use ball-boys as your personal sex slaves’.

The spokeswoman explained: ‘Events in 1936 began a downward trajectory, culminating in the UK now having the same world influence as the Faroe Islands or a tweet by Kanye West.  Failure begat infamy. Wallis Simpson led to Sarah Ferguson.  The Berlin Olympics led to Seb Coe resigning from Nike.  While Alan Turing’s paper ‘On Computable Numbers’ led to the invention of SuperMario Brothers.’

However not everything since 1936 has declined; we have seen an impressive increase in the rate of divorce, cheap pornography and the number of fat toddlers.  One tennis fan said: ‘The best thing about having an Empire in the first place is being able to invent a load of new sports, which no other nation is any good at.  This time rather than focus on ball games, we should really concentrate of those areas that made us the envy of the world – cynicism, braying toffs and invading on the slightest pretext – a sort of Wimbledon/Syria combo’.

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4 comments on “Davis Cup victory inspires the UK to rebuild its Empire

  1. BunKaryudo
    December 9, 2015

    I think inventing sports that no one else can do is obviously the way forward. How about water cricket or something? If there’s an empire, everyone will want to play it.

    • Wrenfoe
      December 9, 2015

      Looking at Cumbria today it will probably be an aquatic empire

      • BunKaryudo
        December 9, 2015

        Hey, that could mean the British will also get to rebuild naval supremacy!

      • Wrenfoe
        December 9, 2015

        Lol

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This entry was posted on December 9, 2015 by in UK Sports and tagged , , , , , .

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