The Truth about Goats
Buoyed on a wave of nationalistic pride and sporting disbelief, the Lawn and Tennis Association (LTA) has set out a series of measures to re-establish the UK’s imperial might and grass-court dominance. Following on from their first Davis Cup win in seventy nine years, the LTA will demand secession from the UN, a return to the Raj and the ‘head of Novak Djokovic’.
Turning back the clock to 1936, the LTA has claimed it will ‘crush the subcontinent’ with Andy Murray’s powerful forehand. An LTA spokeswoman said: ‘We want a return to when Britain was Great or at the very least Mildly Impressive. A time when the sun never set on the Empire and when you could use ball-boys as your personal sex slaves’.
The spokeswoman explained: ‘Events in 1936 began a downward trajectory, culminating in the UK now having the same world influence as the Faroe Islands or a tweet by Kanye West. Failure begat infamy. Wallis Simpson led to Sarah Ferguson. The Berlin Olympics led to Seb Coe resigning from Nike. While Alan Turing’s paper ‘On Computable Numbers’ led to the invention of SuperMario Brothers.’
However not everything since 1936 has declined; we have seen an impressive increase in the rate of divorce, cheap pornography and the number of fat toddlers. One tennis fan said: ‘The best thing about having an Empire in the first place is being able to invent a load of new sports, which no other nation is any good at. This time rather than focus on ball games, we should really concentrate of those areas that made us the envy of the world – cynicism, braying toffs and invading on the slightest pretext – a sort of Wimbledon/Syria combo’.