The Truth about Goats
Helplines have been jammed with MPs and party activists suddenly remembering that 90% of their experience at elite private schools may constitute bullying – rather than good nature ‘joshing’ with a cricket bat and a ‘tube of lube’. Even the Prime Minister is said to have been abused during University initiations, Coalition negotiations and once at a dinner party by Rebekah Brooks ‘high on horse tranquilizers’.
One MP, who did not want to be identified but who is the Right Honourable Member for Tatton, said: ‘Looking back at 44yrs of being a Tory, I’ve realised that it’s been non-stop bullying and preppy haircuts. I was emotionally abused by the hired help. Verbally abused by the electorate. And Vince Cable once put me in a headlock’.
Ironically many severed animal parts may also have been on the receiving end of Tory hectoring or unwelcome coitus. Injury lawyers are anticipating a plethora of claims to be made my family members of animals forced into participating in Bullingdon Club rituals or photo opportunities. One spurious claim is that Boris Johnson, in 1989, may have swallowed half a dozen goldfish without ‘prior consent’, mistaking them for ‘salty table mints’.
A Downing Street spokesman said: ‘Grant Shapps has been forced to resign, which is ironically an example of when bullying works to everyone’s benefit. However if you think you may have been mis-sold a PPI experience (or Porcum Penetratio Interrumpere as it is known) then please phone a lawyer or Lord Ashcroft – as he likes that sort of thing.’