The Truth about Goats
England’s chief medical officer, Dame Sally Davies, has warned that festive cantering could be put at risk by the grazing habits of the UK’s ‘larger ladies’. Her annual report makes a series recommendations; including ‘not drinking’ goose fat, to stop treating Baileys as a diet shake and to move the Quality Street ‘to the other side of the room’.
One Doctor explained: ‘Everyone loves a Christmas pudding but no one likes to look like one. The UK’s women need to show more restraint or a smaller bite circumference. Dame Sally has said that there is a ‘laissez faire’ attitude to eating, which is unfortunate phrase as it sounds like some fancy French trifle’. Prompting one salivating woman to comment: ‘People say can’t eat happiness but have they every tried to deep fry it?’
The report challenges various eating myths, such as: ‘…if you eat off someone else’s plate it doesn’t count’. It goes on: ‘Women have to stop being delusional – it’s not big bones if you look like a Prop Forward. And pregnant women should stop eating for two, particularly if the two are Eric Pickles and Jabba the Hut’. While the report mentions growing obesity in men, it acknowledges that ‘fat men are much more jolly’ particularly at seasonal points of the year.
Dame Sally has even suggested that obesity be treated as a national threat on par with terrorism, prompting Donald Trump to call for a ban on all ‘chubby immigrants’. Ironically the report also suggests cutting other health risks – binge drinking, chain smoking and irresponsible sexual activity – leaving the UK’s women with nothing else to do on Christmas day but to ‘stuff their face’.