The Truth about Goats
Police have warned the public that in the run up to Christmas to be on the lookout for the tell-tale signs of family members experimenting with ‘festive highs’. Fears have been raised that elderly relatives may be turning unpalatable lumps of ginger into moreish treats; while using kitchens as Turkish Delight dens, Canapé factories and venues to sneakily use fake-snow cans for a ‘seasonal whippet’.
Drugs officers have found regularly found the chemistry paraphernalia used in the manufacture and distribution of mince pies. There are anecdotal accounts of aged Aunts offering ‘blow-jobs for a box of Quality Street’. There is also a growing addiction to middle-class nibbles – with many fatalities caused by users choking on a heady cocktail of ‘asparagus wraps with lemon mayo’ and cooking sherry.
The Government Health campaign entitled ‘Mums gone to Iceland coz she’s a crack whore!’ has had little success in denting the demand for ‘something harder than a turkey roll-up’. Even the stark poster images of the decomposing remains of Kerry Katona wrapped in bacon, lying in a pool of her own savoury vomit, has not dissuaded others from overdosing on nibbles.
One police officer warned: ‘There’s no more a disturbing sight than seeing your children snorting caramelised nuts through a cheese straw. We’ve got teenagers ‘snowballing’ – which is rolling in icing sugar while inserting stollen slices into every orifice. Although I must stress, there is no evidence to suggest brussel sprouts are a gateway treat; they’re more of a rectal blockage’