Flibbertigibbet News

The Truth about Goats

Gran runs ‘crystalized ginger’ lab

Police have warned the public that in the run up to Christmas to be on the lookout for the tell-tale signs of family members experimenting with ‘festive highs’.  Fears have been raised that elderly relatives may be turning unpalatable lumps of ginger into moreish treats; while using kitchens as Turkish Delight dens, Canapé factories and venues to sneakily use fake-snow cans for a ‘seasonal whippet’.

Drug den

Drug den

Drugs officers have found regularly found the chemistry paraphernalia used in the manufacture and distribution of mince pies.  There are anecdotal accounts of aged Aunts offering ‘blow-jobs for a box of Quality Street’.  There is also a growing addiction to middle-class nibbles – with many fatalities caused by users choking on a heady cocktail of ‘asparagus wraps with lemon mayo’ and cooking sherry.

The Government Health campaign entitled ‘Mums gone to Iceland coz she’s a crack whore!’ has had little success in denting the demand for ‘something harder than a turkey roll-up’.   Even the stark poster images of the decomposing remains of Kerry Katona wrapped in bacon, lying in a pool of her own savoury vomit, has not dissuaded others from overdosing on nibbles.

One police officer warned:  ‘There’s no more a disturbing sight than seeing your children snorting caramelised nuts through a cheese straw.  We’ve got teenagers ‘snowballing’ – which is rolling in icing sugar while inserting stollen slices into every orifice.  Although I must stress, there is no evidence to suggest brussel sprouts are a gateway treat; they’re more of a rectal blockage’


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This entry was posted on December 21, 2015 by in UK Local News and tagged , , , , , , .

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