The Truth about Goats
UN representatives have admitted to an impasse in negotiations for a lasting peace over television priorities during the festive period. Families have been split asunder, with a divide between cinematic-slapstick and filmic messages of love; often descending into a bloody conflict with both sides employing the ‘Vicar of Dibley – Xmas Special’ to tragic effect.
Christmas fundamentalists talk of a magical wonderland and ‘death to the infidel’ Mariah Carey; while modernizing factions insist on the commercialization of happiness and ‘vomiting’ at their own office party. Likewise music choices have been put into stark contrast with younger members of the family preferring ‘Slade-hedonism’, while older relatives favour the soft-croonings of Bing Crosby – each accompanied by the numbing sensation of ‘three-litres of eggnog’.
One traditionalist said: ‘Why does the birth of Christ have to be so shouty and sweary? Why can’t we have something more traditional and calming – like the slaughter of all male children, followed by a bickering couple who have failed to make holiday hotel reservations and concluding with the pain of childbirth – without diamorphine’.
There seems to be little compromise between those who want ugly sweaters/garish lights and those who prefer boring rituals involving carrots and twee Kirsty Allsop Victorian doodads. Tony Blair has attempted to broker a peace settlement, but his suggestion of ‘Love Actually’ as an ‘appropriate’ Christmas movie has been greeted with more scepticism than reports of WMD.