The Truth about Goats
Buoyed by the heart-warming images of rescue workers evacuating parts of Cumbria, Syrians are now looking forward to the inevitable armed incursions that will follow on from the humanitarian bombing. ‘Storm Desmond’ may have devastated parts of Carlisle, but it has provided a reassuring image of the military; which contrasts with Assad’s terror troops, I.S. terror troops and terror troops of ‘pretty much any other country you can think of’.
As emergency services converge on northern England, Syrians will have the chance to reflect on the positive impact British soldiers can have when ‘oil isn’t involved’. One Syrian took the time to step out from under the rubble and explain: ‘At first we were a little nervous about UK intervention but having seen those nice boys carrying pensioners from their flooded homes, we know we are in safe hands…provided we look grey and vulnerable’.
However, not everyone has applauded the use of troops, with many in the House of Commons arguing that a bombing campaign would be a more effective deterrent to the threat of ‘soggy northerners’. The Prime Minister, who chaired an emergency meeting of Cobra (the extra-smooth premium beer), was also critical of Jeremy Corbyn’s appeasement of the rain gods. While Hilary Benn gave a stirring speech on how Carlisle should be ‘put to the sword’; citing a GCSE history paper on the rise of fascism, the fact that his father ‘never loved him’ and plagiarized chunks Henry V, Act IV, Scene iii 18–67.
Rain-wise persistent downfalls are predicted for Cumbria, while in Syria it will be bomb-wise but just as regular. Also the government’s £2.3bn flood defences have proved to be just as inadequate as Trident, yet substantially cheaper. One Syrian awaiting rescue said: ‘I’m sure someone will come to our aid when the rainy season starts. Failing that, I’m going to dress up as a cat and pretend to be stuck up a tree. That’s assuming that after the bombing we have any trees left’.