The Truth about Goats
Ardent Star Wars fans have declared themselves disappointed with the latest edition to the George Lucas franchise; with none predicting that it would be a bland film about a UK astronaut. Those who had been expecting an exciting narrative of Jedi and TIE fighters will be treated to a six-month yawn-fest as Mr. Peake floats aimlessly around, doing something ‘geeky with soil samples’, while attempting to ‘wee into a bag’.
News agencies have covered Major Peake’s training, but are yet to establish how it relates to Storm Troopers or even ‘crappy Ewoks’. One friend expressed concerns that he is ill-prepared for the mission: ‘Tim keeps blathering on about going to the moon. I tell him, that’s no moon it’s a space station. It’s too big to be a space station, says he. Without his glasses, he’s got no sense of perspective. I tell you, I have a very bad feeling about this’.
The former Army helicopter pilot has tried to garner support for his mission by affecting a bumbling persona and wearing elongated fin-like ears – but critics have not welcomed his comic relief. If anything Major Peake has been accused of damaging the Star Wars brand; looking like an aging Harrison Ford, with the emotional range of Hayden Christensen and with the annoying utterance of ‘exsqueeze me’ every time he bumps into cosmonaut.
With projected profits exceeding $1 billion, many fans have been less than impressed by the special effects on board the International Space Station – with hardly any CGI on view. One fan complained: ‘It’s almost as if George Lucas has given up – if I wanted a story about an uptight Brit clowning around in a fart filled suit I’d have read a biography on Boris Johnson’.