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World agrees to lower 2 degrees of Kevin Bacon


An historic accord was reached in Paris, with the world’s leaders pledging to save a global film trivia challenge, which had threatened to lose ‘all credibility’ as a serious drinking game.  Representatives of almost 200 countries finally settled on a more exacting format to link arbitrary performers to arguably the world’s most prolific character actor and tastiest pig by-product.

One of Kevin Bacon's more believable roles

One of Kevin Bacon’s more believable roles

One of the summit’s organisers explained: ‘We need to preserve Bacon for future generations and we can only do this if we do not over-exploit his name.  By keeping to a maximum four degree separation, we can avoid the damage we have recently seen in Cumbria – where one man linked Mr. Bacon to Albanian actor Mevlan Shanaj in less than six.’

However environmental protesters said the pact does not go far enough:  ‘Thanks to the Oracle of Bacon it’s far too easy.  For goodness sake, even President Herbert Hoover can be done in four moves!  If you want pub games to have any difficulty we need to return to traditional organic activities; such as Master of the Thumb, Drunk Jenga and making the barmaid take her top off.’

Most observers agree that COP21 has little chance to save the planet but can at least stop Kevin Bacon feeling too ‘generic’.  Part of the solution will be to look for cheap renewable alternates to Mr. Bacon, like Cheryl Ann Fernandez-Versini – although some accuse her of being nothing more than a ‘dirty cole’.  China and the US are still the largest employers of Mr. Bacon but the UK has agreed to cut his 4G adverts by 100%, simply because ‘they are annoying’.

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This entry was posted on January 13, 2016 by in International Environmental and tagged , , , , , .

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