The Truth about Goats
Welcoming in the New Year with their customary bonhomie, the so-called Islamic State have broadcast a message to the world of goodwill and summary execution. Many military analysts have concluded that such barbarity can only be the result of too many cheap mince pies, an aversion to turkey crackling or possibly another set of ‘unwanted socks’.
While declaring that these recent atrocities are a response to UK bombing, it seems more likely that it is a gross over-reaction to a failed attempt to ‘get frisky’ under the holly. The terrorist organisations received no ‘meaningful’ invites to xmas parties and allegedly spent much of Boxing Day watching re-runs of the ‘Vicar of Dibley’ wearing an all-black onesie.
Historians point to the region’s decade of instability and religious fundamentalists being ‘a d@ck’ about not wearing a party hat. One expert said: ‘It’s almost like they’ve never heard of a satsuma in a stocking or the songs of Slade. Anyone would think that they didn’t celebrate Christmas at all. Although admittedly the only surprise they received down their chimney was a brimstone missile’.
In a carefully worded statement, a masked gunman with a British accent declared: ‘We reject Western Imperialism, the works of Bing Crosby and we don’t believe in Santa. These executions are about establishing a caliphate and nothing to do with us getting a ‘Skate and Sing Elsa’ when we specifically asked for an ‘Interactive Tracy Island Playset’.