The Truth about Goats
Ever wondered why Mr. Solo looks like an extra from ‘The Walking Dead’?
In fact, our beauty experts are often asked – how can I get skin like a walnut? Where can I find that healthy glow which is so reminiscent of the Turin shroud or that musky care-home smell? If you want to re-create the visage of Harrison Ford, there are some simple forms of self-multination that can add decades to your appearance.
1) Get frozen in carbonite. This should help dry out any oily skin.
2) Radiation sickness. From various leaky valves on board the Millennium Falcon. Let’s be honest, Chewwy is a dreadful electrician.
3) Space herpes. You should have been a bit more careful in those early years with Lando Calrissian. Never trust a gambler to wear protection.
4) Financial worries. Jabba’s through with you. He has no time for smugglers who invest in the Royal Bank of Scotland.
5) Exfoliate with the sand of Tatooine. Remember to stop when you reach the bone.
6) Guilt. Guilt at having killed the only cool character in the franchise. Yes, we’re talking about Boba Fett. You’re an asshole, Solo! You kill Boba but Jar Jar Binks walks free?
7) Six Days, Seven Nights. Technically not a Star Wars movie, but starring in this fetid pile of Bantha offal must have added years to Mr. Ford.
8) Use the fur around a Wookie’s anus as a facial scrub. Make sure to do this in deep space, so no one can hear the Wookie scream for help.
9) Getting an earring at 55. Seriously, if you are going to have a mid-life crisis you might as well marry Ally McBeal…oh.
10) Spend 30 years listening to that shrew Leia. Han says: ‘All her sh@t about ‘my brother’s a jedi’ and ‘that’s not how my brother does it!’ – which is particularly off putting during sex’.