The Truth about Goats
In response to the proposed referendum on a new state flag, all mention of ‘one particularly ungrateful island’ in the southwestern Pacific Ocean is to be expunged from British textbooks. Royal cartographers have been instructed to erase all evidence of New Zealand if the Union Jack is dropped; with maps now depicting a garishly coloured aquatic sheep (called ‘Nikora’) floating off the south coast of Australia.
A Foreign Office spokesman said: ‘We fully support all nation’s right to self-determination and identity but also reserve to the right to act like a petulant teenager, who has just been dumped. We’re going to get emotional closure on this. Need I remind you that the US has been obscured from view by a collection of fuzzy-felt stickers since 1776’?
As ‘break-ups’ go, New Zealand has been accused of pettiness – mocking English rugby prowess, forgetting the Queen’s birthday and ‘deleting’ the Wales from their phone contacts. Meanwhile the UK has had a history of doomed relationships; with India accusing them of being abusive, Ireland saying they were patronizing and Canada hinting that Brits ‘were crap in bed’.
Admittedly the Queen has not been ‘exclusive’ in her geographical attentions, often unfavourably labelled ‘saucy Liz’ for her fondling of 53 Commonwealth ‘members’. New Zealanders have naturally responded by toning down their British past, embracing dental hygiene, driving on the right and ‘not slapping their brand on a third of the world like a megalomaniac Apple executive!’