The Financial Conduct Authority has shelved its banking inquiry in favour of telling consumers to ‘buck up their ideas and stop whining like a little girl’. Rather than challenge the culture of the city of London, the FCA is said to favour offering brokers candle-lit meals, a shoulder rub and ‘unlimited access’ to everyone’s savings.
Integrity for sale
A FCA representative explained: ‘If you think about it, the public are to blame. You agreed to mortgages on their terms. You were wearing low-cut interest rates. And when things got out of hand you didn’t fight back. Capitalism is all about consent. You may have said no to unsecured loans, but we all know that means yes.’
Meanwhile Treasury officials have denied instigating a white-wash because admitting it would ‘probably look bad’. This now leaves the financial sector more room to self-regulate, which has been so successful in other industries – given that the press never hack your phone, football owners are always fit-and-proper and Donald Trump knows when to ‘shut the f@ck up’.
Understandably the previous FCA chief executive, Martin Wheatley, was sacked for suggesting that the banking community resembling a piranha tank. Now, however, bankers can get back to their bonuses and ethical ‘fifty shades of grey’; while we the consumer can get back to being spanked by some preppy sociopath who needs to give us a ‘safeword’ for our banking password.
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