The Truth about Goats
In the spirit of open government and the ‘last day of term’, the Prime Minister has decided to allow his Cabinet a free vote on any EU referendum and the chance to bring in ‘a toy of their choice’ from home. Mr. Cameron hoped his laissez faire attitude to democracy would permit his fellow Tories to find their ‘inner-sceptic’, while at the same time allowing them to ‘beat their own drum’ rather than beat-off the person they are next to.
Cupping a single rose in hands, Mr. Cameron addressed a packed room of journalists while sitting in the lotus position. He highlighted the economic implications of an EU withdrawal and explained that ‘life is just a journey’ and asked ‘why can’t we all just get along?’. He explained that withdrawing the party whip was always his intention and that messy hair is ‘totally his thing’.
A tie-dyed spokesman said: ‘Don’t call him Mr. Cameron, it’s Dave. Just Dave. And just Dave doesn’t want his Ministers to conform to social norms. Feel Mother Earth. Touch your chi. Breathe in. Experience Dave’s vibrations. Breathe out. And…I’m just suggesting…if some of you want to experiment…say…physically, then Dave’s not going to look a gift pig in the mouth’.
Mr. Cameron then attempted to clear the room of any ‘negative energy’ by offering to massage perineums with his home-made scented lavender oil. Contemplating a dew drop upon the petals in front of him, the Prime Minister clarified that border controls were ‘a state of mind’, a single European currency is ‘a rainbow’ and that Nigel Farage needs to experience tantric sex with a dolphin.