Flibbertigibbet News

The Truth about Goats

Scotland flooded to lower alcohol limits


Ministers have taken the bold move to release flood waters throughout northern parts of the UK to water down the intoxication of ‘the natives’.   At an average 46% proof, experts are saying that most Glaswegians will need to be keelhauled through the River Clyde to be reclassified as ‘Babycham’.

Get ready to be dunked

Get ready to be dunked

Homes in Aberdeenshire have been evacuated and residents have been told to hurl themselves into the River Don as it bursts.  One health official commented: ‘It’s a simple process whereby if a patient sinks they’re drunk and if they float they’re a witch – or they’ve eaten too many bar snacks’.  Meanwhile the Scottish Ambulance Service has agreed to ferry bed-ridden drunks and deposit them in the ‘nearest loch’.

This situation is not confined to Scotland however, with many English teenagers starting to look like Shane Mcgowan.  Tough new guidelines issued on alcohol have recommended submerging parts of Cumbria and the ‘entire’ city centre of Newcastle, every Friday night, around ‘chucking out time’.  While rail and air links throughout the north have been limited to prevent inebriates from spreading dipsomania and ‘pork scratchings’ to sober parts of the country.

The UK’s chief medical officers says men and women should consume no more than 14 units a week and for people in Leeds to stop calling that many drinks ‘breakfast’.  The Government has warned against using the North Sea to dilute drunken citizens, for fear that it may become a huge margarita with buoys being mistaken for over-sized olives.  A spokeswoman said: ‘There are only three legitimate reasons to binge drink. One. You’ve seen George Osborne’s economic policy.  Two. You are George Osborne.  Or Three.  It’s happy hour – then in that case, fill your boots!’

Advertisements

One comment on “Scotland flooded to lower alcohol limits

  1. Al OPecia
    February 2, 2016

    Absolutely (geddit?!) superbalimo!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Information

This entry was posted on February 2, 2016 by in UK Health and tagged , , , , , , , .

Prize Winners

Our readers described Flibbertigibbet News as ..."only slightly less accurate than the Daily Mail"(Dizzychick84) ..."clearly under-appreciated" (Sean Smithson)..."Half man, half goat. All Comedy"(JizzOSmith)..."the best reason for smirking at work" (DavidHollands) and ..."clearly an elaborate internet phishing scam!"(XangChek12)

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive FREE notifications of new posts by email.

Join 550 other followers

Blog Stats

  • 35,579 fumbles

Follow Wrenfoe on Twitter

By

Award Winning

Reader Review

"It takes a sick and yet highly evolved mind to fully grasp the sophistication of your humor. I tried to explain this to my wife, who thought I was having convulsions as I lay on the floor laughing." (Mike Lince)

Flib Zealots

Reformation (play script)

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2014

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2013

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2015

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2016

%d bloggers like this: