The Truth about Goats
Ministers have taken the bold move to release flood waters throughout northern parts of the UK to water down the intoxication of ‘the natives’. At an average 46% proof, experts are saying that most Glaswegians will need to be keelhauled through the River Clyde to be reclassified as ‘Babycham’.
Homes in Aberdeenshire have been evacuated and residents have been told to hurl themselves into the River Don as it bursts. One health official commented: ‘It’s a simple process whereby if a patient sinks they’re drunk and if they float they’re a witch – or they’ve eaten too many bar snacks’. Meanwhile the Scottish Ambulance Service has agreed to ferry bed-ridden drunks and deposit them in the ‘nearest loch’.
This situation is not confined to Scotland however, with many English teenagers starting to look like Shane Mcgowan. Tough new guidelines issued on alcohol have recommended submerging parts of Cumbria and the ‘entire’ city centre of Newcastle, every Friday night, around ‘chucking out time’. While rail and air links throughout the north have been limited to prevent inebriates from spreading dipsomania and ‘pork scratchings’ to sober parts of the country.
The UK’s chief medical officers says men and women should consume no more than 14 units a week and for people in Leeds to stop calling that many drinks ‘breakfast’. The Government has warned against using the North Sea to dilute drunken citizens, for fear that it may become a huge margarita with buoys being mistaken for over-sized olives. A spokeswoman said: ‘There are only three legitimate reasons to binge drink. One. You’ve seen George Osborne’s economic policy. Two. You are George Osborne. Or Three. It’s happy hour – then in that case, fill your boots!’