The Truth about Goats
Despite the best efforts of organised crime, secret files reveal widespread ‘boredom’ even at the top levels of the game. Illicit syndicates may have manipulated the outcome of Wimbledon matches, but they have done very little to make the sport more engaging to watch; with an Andy Murray anecdote considered to be the season’s ‘highlight’.
Tennis or as it is known to its fans – ‘two posh kids hitting a ball back and forth’ – has had a chequered history in terms of excitement; with Bill Cosby alleged to have used footage to comatose his dates. Requiring a dress-code for its spectators, it has been likened to an ‘formal version of dogging’ – but with ‘a lot more’ gratuitous grunting.
However, some suspect that rigging may have been used to suppress the more interesting aspects of the game; which originally involved 22 men and a football. So insipid is the sport, that they use enforced breaks between sets as an attempt to break up any momentum or tension that may occur. With the most engaging incident that most tennis fans can hope for is whiplash.
A spokeswoman for the Tennis Integrity Unit (TIU) said: ‘Sometimes the ball is in. Sometimes it’s out. Sometimes the player hits it. Sometimes not. As you can see, the sport has a natural binary appeal to all gamblers and dogs that love to watch Frisbees. Yet all the bungs in the world can’t fix the fact that tennis is like watching ‘paint drying’, only this time it will be followed by an even duller ‘white-wash’