The Truth about Goats
In a tribute to creative accounting and a ‘pact with the devil’, executives at the universe’s largest search engine have repaid less that £150m in tax avoidance. Through a financial loophole left by HMRC and Mephistopheles, Google have managed to write off much of their liability by deducting any sense of irony, all profits made since 1998 and ‘numbers ending in zero’.
Keeping the remains of their soul in a vault on the Caymen Islands is a legitimate financial move, leaving Google just to contend with a slight whiff of sulphur. Then by sub-contracting their conscience to an offshore subsidiary, somewhere in the vicinity of Dante’s fourth circle of Hell, Google need only pay ‘in spare coppers’. Meaning the only difference between ‘tax evasion’ and ‘avoidance’, is five points in ‘Scrabble’.
Interestingly the Chancellor, George Osborne, has labelled the payment as ‘a victory’ – very much in the manner of the Battle of the Somme; in which a lot of ordinary people got shafted with very little to show for it. Mr. Osborne went on to discribe it as a ‘real vindication of this government’s approach’ – which would normally be to recite a short invocation to the CEO of Darkness, sacrifice a dozen virgins and to play Ozzy Osbourne’s ‘Bark at the Moon’ backwards.
Likewise ‘Amazon’ have paid just £12m on billions in sales, turning ‘Black Friday’ into ‘Black Mass’. One accountant explained: ‘If you take off the adult filter on Google and search for tax avoidance, you get a graphic image of someone being rodgered senseless by a horny goat – which isn’t strictly porn but does work as a metaphor’.