The Truth about Goats
Despite being the world’s most unimaginative colouring-in-book, E.L.James’ BDSM novel has been overlooked once again, in favour of ‘joined up writing’ and ‘syntax’. Even the release of an eye-catching pop-up edition of the book has failed to excite critics, who still prefer something ‘without laminated pages’.
The Costa Book of the Year was probably ‘Fifty Shades’ last opportunity for legitimacy, unless there is a literary competition that only involves Morrissey. One irate reader posted: ‘I can’t believe they gave the award to a children’s book – you can’t tell me that Christian Grey isn’t family friendly. If anything, he’s overly friendly. And there’s something for all the family, provided that family like nipple clamps’.
With its mixture of elegant prose and erotica ‘Fifty Shades’ has given us such memorable quotes as – ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…as he punched her in the t@t’, ‘It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune probably has a kinky sex dungeon’ or the moving ‘It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the Rosenbergs – which instantly gave me an erection’.
The series has sold over 125 million copies worldwide with phrases like ‘spank monkey’ and ‘cock mangle’ having been translated into 52 languages. The success of the trilogy has already led to a spike in the sale of sex toys, A&E admissions and graphic submissions to ‘You’ve been Framed’. However this recent snub will not deter E.L.James from publishing a further fictional story of a worker consenting to abuse and humiliation at the hands of her sadistic over-lord – in other words, a George Osborne budget statement.