The Truth about Goats
The NHS in England may soon regret allowing pregnant women to allocate their own healthcare allowance; with many predicting a rise in ‘subsidized trips to Selfridges’. Indeed, some women have already opted to economize on maternity facilities by birthing in a skip and using the remaining cash to fund ‘one incredible night in Las Vegas’.
This notional budget was only meant for NHS-accredited services, but many have seen it as carte-blanche to redecorate, ‘get the loft extension fixed’ or ‘go to town’ on lottery tickets. Quite whether Health officials anticipated the money being squandered on nine months of ‘booze and fags’ is unclear. However, most admit it would undiplomatic at this time to mention elective surgery.
Male partners have suggested that such a scheme is wasteful and that the priority should be the health of the child and ‘buying a new Xbox’. Although not all mothers-to-be have been so cynical, one explained: ‘I’ve invested two thousand, nine hundred pounds on an epidural filled with crystal meth. And if that doesn’t numb the pain, I’ve spent the last hundred quid on a large polo mallet’.
The issue of pain relief is an interesting one, as female acupuncture only costs a few hundred pounds, but for £3000 you could have the satisfaction of seeing a bowling ball rammed inside a man’s anus. One woman admitted: ‘It’s a tough decision. Do I use the modest sum of money to create the perfect birthing environment or do I pay off Google’s tax bill?’