The Truth about Goats
The theatrical agency representing the person responsible for a third of ‘Top Gear’s Ironic World of Lazy Stereo-types’, has revealed that Mr. Hammond will be under new ownership as of next year. With Morrisons (Mr. Hammond’s favourite food store) delivering through Amazon (Mr. Hammond’s favourite online retailer) who now employ Jeremy Clarkson (Mr. Hammond’s second favourite fallen angel), Mr. Hammond will officially no longer control his own soul.
It is debatable whether Mr. Hammond was originally the owner of an incorporeal essence, given that hamsters are not normally attributed with an immortal soul. However, having accrued millions of pounds through Amazon/Morrison endorsements and BBC Health & Safety errors, he is certainly not in possession of any mortal fibre now.
Interestingly enough his co-presenters had already offered their inner-selves to the highest bidder; with Clarkson now possessed by the spirit of Eddie Booth from 70’s ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ and James May channelling somebody’s dead Geography Teacher. The only way to exorcise all three is with a priest and the only exercise they respond to is ‘thumping’ production assistants.
Morrisons/AmazonLucifer have agreed to a split custody arrangement whereby Hammond will advertise fresh meat plus eternal damnation on Mondays, Prime Deliveries plus eternal damnation on Tuesdays and for the rest of the week he will drive a Mercedes-Benz ‘Smart FourTwo’ – which is an eternal damnation.