The Truth about Goats
Social services and teenage fan-sites have expressed concern over rumours that members of ‘One Direction’ may have fallen foul of a ‘talent ring’, whose sole purpose was to groom and franchise boy bands. One particular pervert, called Cheryl, is said to have taken an unhealthy interest in the band’s pre-pubescent appeal.
The X-factor has long been under police investigation for ‘talent trafficking’ but as yet no hard evidence of talent has been found. Liam was first contacted by Cheryl at the vulnerable age of 16; lured with a recording contract, androgynous clothing and a ‘packet of lemon sherbets’. Like many abusers Cheryl herself had suffered similar exploitation on ‘Popstars – The Rivals’, but this did not stop her ignoring a ten year age gap and a marital track record reminiscent of Liz Taylor.
Already a victim of ‘talent exploitation’ by serial offender Simon Cowell, Liam is described as an impressionable young man ‘who likes crayons’. While Cheryl Ann née Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versin José de la Concordia García Márquez, or ‘Chezza’ to her friends, took advantage of her position of trust to embark on a relationship with an impressionable child – promising fame, fortune and, failing that, the chance to meet James Corden.
Why Liam should be attracted to a multi-million pound model is unclear, but friends fear that his smug grin maybe a sign that he is drugged. Experts suggest that One Direction lyrics are perhaps a ‘cry for help’ or at the very least ‘a plea for assisted suicide’. While others speculate that Cheryl is just trying to ditch her silly surname.
A spokesman for ChildLine said: ‘This is not the first time we’ve heard of a celebrity using their prime-time TV show, big hair and unintelligible northern accent to snare children. It starts with boy bands, but mark my words it’ll end with Cheryl doing unspeakable things in the Royal Victoria Infirmary’s morgue’.