The Truth about Goats
‘They walked out across no-man’s land, clutching white flags, ḥalāl footballs and burkas for goalposts’. These are the reports coming out of Syria of a ‘friendly’ match between ‘Kurdish Militants Wednesday’ and ‘Da’ish International Rovers’ – played out in the brief 10 minute ceasefire.
Unsullied by FIFA corruption or a Paul McCartney ballad, these brave soldiers extended a hand of peace in pock-marked landscape, resembling a 1970’s football pitch. Quite how much football was actually played in such a small time-window is unclear, with some spectators claiming the final whistle occurred before the team-sheets were read. Unfortunately while 1914 had a lull in European bombing, Syria has no such luxury.
Sky sports coverage extended to an excitable Chris Kamara mispronouncing Arabic names and confusing which side is which – a problem US and Russian bombers have regularly had. Some Muslim players complained about the commercialization of football, but agreed that the shirt sponsorship by Kevlar was a good idea.
One Da’ish combatant said: ‘We are lions led by camels but we have a better chance of progressing our campaign in Europe than Arsenal. But this game has made me hope that one day peace will occur; hopefully in the form of a mawkish sitcom written by Richard Curtis, with additional knob gags by the infidel Ben Elton’.
Unfortunately 200,000 innocents lost their lives in the ensuing football violence.