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League agrees to cap Aston Villa at 30 points‏


Alongside their decision to limit the cost of away tickets next season, football club owners have proposed a plan to ‘once and for all’ rid the Premiership of the ‘embarrassment’ that is Aston Villa.  In the unlikely event of the ‘Villans’ staying in the top flight, a points’ cap next season will guarantee relegation – although many feel Villa’s self-imposed limit on wins ‘may be enough’.

No limit on the number of left feet

No limit on the number of left feet

Premiership executives have also said that if successful, a similar reduction could be placed on the days Daniel Sturridge is injured, Louis van Gaal excuses and the amount of journalists permitted to ‘lick Jurgen Klopp’s arse’ in any one conference.  One owner explained:  ‘Unless we do something to control the mortification we feel when we watch Villa, we might as well go back to watching F1’.

Other areas under debate include a limit on the number of years Arsene Wenger can go without buying a holding midfielder and the number of clubs Sam Allardyce can run before the press acknowledge that he knows what he’s doing.  More controversial is the suggestion that we should cap England caps, starting with a retrospective punishment for goalkeeper, Rob Green.

Other teams have so far resisted the more powerful clubs capping the number of times Leicester can humiliate them.  Likewise they have not followed tennis and American football by limiting ‘moments of excitement’.  However one fan agreed: ‘We need to cap the number of Chelsea managers or Chris Kamara errors in a season but we probably need to raise the age limit on girls that Sunderland players can molest’.

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