The Truth about Goats
A national manhunt is underway for a man the security forces have described as a threat to livestock and the disabled. Escaped from pro-EU captivity, Iain Duncan Smith (IDS) was last seen tunnelling out of Downing Street, heading straight for the ‘nearest Brexit’.
A police spokeswoman said: ‘Homeowners need to be aware that IDS can get in through a cat-flap or hidden inside the folds of the Daily Mail. Make no attempt to approach or vote for him. He has a distinctive look. Pastey. Guilty. But not to be mistaken for the harmless ‘lesser-balding Hague’ – IDS has ten times the venom’.
IDS has long been shackled to a desk in the Department of Work and Pensions, with nothing but a bowl filled with the tears of the long-term unemployed. It is feared that unless he feeds daily on the poor he may enter a feral state and join UKIP. Unbound by Ministerial responsibility, IDS could prey on those ‘out-of-work’ and ‘other defenceless vermin’. While police marksmen are on high alert for any signs of rabies or endorsements of Boris Johnson for Prime Minister.
Like a balding piranha, IDS can strip your work benefits to the bone in less than one minute. With his sharpened teeth he can bite through high tensile steel and large portions of the welfare state. The spokeswoman explained: ‘If you hear a dry hacking cough in the vicinity, followed by Euro-sceptic views, we strongly advise you to cover your bins and conceal your spare rooms. We are also concerned that a recent spate of sexual assaults on garden gnomes, may be his attempt to breed’.