The Truth about Goats
Having failed to meet any of his budgetary targets the Chancellor, George Osborne, has taken the radical decision to peg the British currency to our fluctuating ‘munchies’. Mr. Osborne is gambling that a ‘sugar tax’ will cover the nation’s debts and he will be supporting chocolate consumption by ‘small business fatties, stoners and pre-menstrual nibblers.’
With the manufacturing industry in decline and the public sector is sold off for ‘spare parts’, there will be a significant expansion in ‘those in need of a sugar rush’. It does however mean that 70% of the UK’s output will now be based on school tuck-shop revue; which in turn can be effected by the volatile nature of ‘pocket money futures’.
Although the Easter period promises to be a bounteous time for Cadburys and diabetic comas, subsequent bikini diets could spell an economic downturn for sugar driven taxes. To guard against this Mr Osborne has ruled out Lent fasting, replacing it with sacramental Dunkin Donuts and a Cola themed ‘blood of Christ’. Meanwhile the Stock Exchange will now trade in smarties, pensions will be doled out in sherbet (rather than peanuts) and Willie Wonka is to be appointed the new Business Secretary.
Ironically the Shadow Chancellor, John Mcdonnell, has already been accused of being anti-capitalist by favouring a ‘five-a-day’ policy. A spokesman for Mr. Osborne explained: ‘The Northern powerhouse can become a reality. Not through steel or coal but through the clinically obese masticating for Britain. One chubby lass from Newcastle with a tub of ice-cream generates the same tax revenue as Google and Amazon combined. And that money can be reinvested in a fun size mars bar’.