The Truth about Goats
Ahead of the 20th anniversary of Princess Diana’s death, a memorial will be created to her twin contributions to public life of ‘taking up space’ and ‘lying vacant’. The garden will be freshly laid each day by variety of unsuitable suitors; although Prince Charles is said to prefer an older more familiar allotment that he once used to visit.
This will be the fourth such London memorial to Diana, as the British public seem determined to forget her insipid legacy. Bushes will be sculptured into Wham-esque quiffs and will provide shelter for any dishevelled tramp or James Hewitt. Meanwhile any flowers will be immediately cut down, turned into bouquets with grief stricken messages and hurled at passing traffic.
A Kensington spokesman said: ‘The public will be encouraged to wander around claiming to know her. Like most things associated with the Princess, it’s important that we mawkishly remember this as being substantially better than it was. Landmines will be tastefully placed under the lawn; not to remind us of her charity work but to symbolise the explosive impact she had Queen’s Public Relations’.
An 80’s themed ‘Eternal Flame’ will be lit in her honour, complete with ‘Bangles’ accompaniment. Visitors will be required to walk barefoot through the remembrance rock garden, featuring car parts embedded in concrete columns. Although park keepers have warned that any lost footwear will be immediately disposed of – ‘Like a sandal in the bin’.