The Truth about Goats
After much technical consternation, scientists working for the US Justice Department (DOJ) have managed to crack Apple’s elaborate security with a simple ‘three-fingered re-boot’. Much to everyone’s surprise, the iPhone’s alleged cryptography was easily bypassed by picking lint out of the keypad and giving the phone ‘a good shake’.
The DOJ can now access the phone records of San Bernardino gunman Rizwan Farook, but admit they may have lost the last ‘word document’ he was working on. A DOJ spokeswoman confirmed: ‘We’d explored every option; including switching it on and off and rubbing the battery. But in the end we realised none of the complexity was real; so just clicked our heels together and pretended it was a dream of Pam Ewing’s’.
Apple executives have been left red-faced by the discovery that their product is not fool-proof; raising concerns that their ‘uncrackable screen’ may also be an exaggeration. However the DOJ admitted that the speed of their code breaker’s efforts had substantially increased when they had wrongly been informed that the phone contained ‘naked selfies’ of Jennifer Lawrence.
The iPhone now joins a long list of things we wrongly thought were hard to get to get into; including the Presidential race, negative equity and ‘Russell Brand’s knickers’. The spokeswoman admitted: ‘It was less like cracking the enigma code and more like typing IDDQD into ‘Doom’. We’re pretty confident we can now decipher any phone but we still make out any teen text message with ROFL in it’.