The Truth about Goats
In the spirit of plausible deniability, the Prime Minister has provided the public with a list of things he ‘definitely never did’ but may have indirectly benefited from. Mr. Cameron went on to explain that he had never personally used a tax haven, even if all his friends, family and work colleagues had.
A Downing Street spokesman explained: ‘Yes, all Mr. Cameron’s childhood birthday presents and pocket money came directly from his father’s financial malpractice but, as a six year old, Mr. Cameron never personally opened a bank account in Panama. So what if his education at Heatherdown, Eton & Oxford University was subsidised with ill-gotten gains – it’s not as if that has affected his political policies in any way’.
Other ministers have also adopted Mr. Cameron’s style of denial with George Osborne asserting that he had never helped a disabled person to commit suicide; he just took away their financial aid. Nicky Morgan, the Education Secretary, said she had not destroyed the hopes of a generation, she just undermined their schools. While the Cabinet collectively explained that they had never gone to war for oil, they just liked dropping bombs in close proximity to fossil fuels.
The spokesman talked of the Mr Cameron’s ‘relief’ at getting everything off his chest without actually admitting culpability: ‘Tax-free can also mean guilt-free. Being connected with a thing is not the same as actively taking part – like being Prime Minister but never actually helping. And remember technically he’s never f@cked a live pig’.