The Truth about Goats
The Government was forced into an embarrassing apology for what was seen as ‘a monumental error in spell-check’ affecting the last six years of education policy. Their successful privatisation of the state sector has unfortunately been misinterpreted as an attempt to turn secondary schools into a cross between ‘Hogwarts and Jamie Oliver’s kitchen’.
A spokeswoman for Department of Education explained: ‘We’re sorry for the confusion, clearly we should have plastered ‘for sale’ signs over every classroom. Yes, it’s the death knell for a national curriculum and teacher unions but it will mean G4S can get to run your sport’s day. Imagine the sight of an electronical-tagged three-legged race or a taser relay. We may be breaking up a system of local government that has run for one hundred years, but it’s the only way we can ensure Eton stays ahead of the game’.
The phrasing of Government policies has often been an issue, with George Osborne repeatedly using the word ‘help’ to describe his budget impact rather than the more accurate term of ‘screw’. Likewise in other policies ‘liberate’ means ‘bomb’, tax ‘reform’ means ‘avoidance’ and Tory support for staying in the EU means ‘I don’t want to give up on my cheap skiing holidays or my Polish butler’.
One parent commented: ‘You only have to look at the unparalleled success every privatized industry has been. Look at the trains or the coal industry. Amazing. Not for the consumer or the workers, of course, but for those with share options. I’m happy for my child to be traded like commodity, provided I get a dividend from any future kidney sell-off’.