The Truth about Goats
With one of America’s largest cinema chains (AMC) allowing millennials to text during films, plans are now in place to permit other hobbies within the auditorium; including still-life painting, roller-blading and fly-fishing. Customers will be encouraged to break the monotony of ‘yet another superhero movie’ with any fun-filled activity – in either silent-mode or ‘full polyphonic glory’.
The admission that cinemas cannot compete with Snapchat is further proof that anyone under-30 has the concentration span of mayfly. One AMC manager explained: ‘We thought about making better films to sustain interest but that simply wasn’t economical. It’s far easier to continue with the same old Hollywood bilge, but this time, enhanced by sessions of Candy Crush and spontaneous outbreaks of capture the flag’.
Other proposed ‘non-intrusive’ tools to relive boredom include silent discos, geochaching and group masturbation. One disinterested punter commented: ‘I’m only texting because I totally zoned out while DiCaprio was f@cked by that bear. And who gives a sh@t if Batman spanks Superman?’
Cinemas are now no more than places to experience over-priced popcorn, slumber parties and avoid the weather. Disinterest has reached a point where many cinema-goers do not realise they are facing the wrong way. The AMC manager said: ‘We just need to be more inactive – more 3D. Why not make a foot spa out of your bumper-size cola-flavoured drink? Why not teach yourself to cook? Or better still, settle down and read a book of the movie’.