The Truth about Goats
In what is seen as a ‘tat for tit’ retribution for the US State denouncing pornography as a public health risk; those in the sex industry have labelled Utah a ‘hazard to getting laid’. With a population 63% Mormon, Utah has been accused of being a natural barrier to multiple orgasms, although most polygamous residents have no problem achieving ‘simultaneous wives’.
Accusations are flying between the two groups, with Republican Governor Gary Herbert claiming pornographers are corrupting; while pornographers have described him as ‘off-putting’ – with halitosis, neck hair and baldness that he needs ‘to own’. One ‘adult’ entertainer claimed: ‘I wouldn’t touch your average Mormon with a ten foot strap-on. They wear knee high socks, plaid shorts and keeping banging on about their faith. Which distracts from the actual banging’.
Ironically Utah has the highest percentage of online porn subscribers and Jell-O eaters in the US; suggesting that they will feast on anything with a ‘bit of a jiggle’. A Utah official complained: ‘The health dangers of pornography is as much a moral issue as a physical one. No one wants the devil in their heart or sperm in their eye’.
How precisely Utah is going to filter the Internet is unclear, although some have suggested using Joseph Smith iconography and his golden plates to cover up the offending areas. The official explained: ‘We’re stopping the hypersexualisation of teens – although, looking at the average gym sock, that bird may have already flown. However, nothing says abstinence like the phrase – Hi, Can I talk to you about God’.